Private Moments in Public Places

How do we have a private moment in a public place?  The actor's eternal quest.

“You have to imagine it,” my teacher coaches.  “You have to figure out how to push your own buttons.  I can’t teach you that.  You have to figure it out for yourself, because you’re all different and you all know yourselves best.” 

It’s Meisner - a brand new technique I’ve been struggling with for the past two months under the critical thumb of an unforgiving and punishing teacher.  She’s mean, but also interestingly quirky, funny, and exceptionally insightful.  I haven’t had ass whoopings like these since the almost forgotten days of my old man.  I have to admit, it’s worth the pain.

“Close your eyes,” she commands.  I presume we’re doing another silly acting game, a typical hoo-rah to get the blood pumping, the laughs bursting, the energy rising.

“Now think of a place in nature. Orchid!  Keep your eyes closed,” she tries not to snap.

Whoops!  Dammit!  I messed up already.  Now focus.  Ok, the first thing that comes to mind - Lady Bird Lake.  It’s my favorite place right now, so I’ll go there.  There’s an overcast.  I walk through the lingering mist, feeling little rocks and hearing them crunch beneath my feet.  The smell of rain fresh air invigorates, and  my eyes widen in complete awe of all the gorgeous saturated colors of life.  The trees are so alive, their energy emanating and overflowing, wrapping around me in the loving embrace of a big warm hug.  They’ve just had their first big quench in a very long time.  The water is higher and clearer than I’ve ever seen it, and for the first time I notice the turtles and fish who've been playing beneath the ducks and swans all along.  I sit as close to them as I can.

My teacher leads in curious wonder.

“Now someone is coming to see you.  They can be alive or dead.  Who is it?  Who is that person coming to see you?”

The rolodex in my mind spins, finally stopping at my brother.  He’s been on my mind.  I’ll pick him.  I just talked to him last night for a bit.  Lately, I think things have been getting a lot better between us.  I hope they keep going that way.  We don’t ever spend quality time alone together.  It would be nice for him to want to come see me for once.  That would be nice right now.

My teacher’s voice crescendos.

“The person you picked is approaching you right now.  They’re happy to see you.  They’re beaming.  They’re beaming, because they’re so happy to see you!”

I feel my heart sinking.  My brother has never beamed.  Why should he ever be happy to see me?  The wounds I've caused turned every once of his love into fear and rensentment.  I created our void.  At this point, a beautiful shared moment such as this can only exist as a figment of my imagination.  And, right now, that's the requirement.

“They sit down and tell you how happy they are to see you, how much they've missed you.  They’ve missed you so, so much.”

Oh my goddess, my eyes are getting warm. I find myself analyzing every sniffle I hear in the room. Were those crying sniffles or regular snot sniffles?

My teacher’s voice cuts through my silly, frivolous thoughts.

“They miss you so much, and they tell you they're so proud of you.  They tell you that they love you.”

Her words kick my imagination into full activation.  Uncontrollable tears flood through my closed eyes.  My brother talks, and I listen.  I listen with all the thanks in the world in my heart.  He knows what’s in my heart.  He feels all the love I have ever wanted to give him.  The past is behind us now, really forever.  There is only forgiveness.  There is only healing.  There is only love.

Even little attacks by my semi self-conscious worry about public crying couldn’t disconnect me from this waking lucid dreaming.  The tears keep coming, and I keep feeling.

My teacher goes on gently, softly.

“It’s time to go.  They’re getting up, and they’re leaving now.  You see their face in the distance as they’re turning to go.”

He was leaving, but he’d always be there.  The bond I’ve needed all my life is finally ours, finally engrained in our souls for forever and ever.  This is family.  We are finally family.

Compassionately, my teacher whispers.

“When you’re ready, open your eyes.”

I open my eyes to a room full of teary-eyed people.  Yes!  I’m not the only one.  Even the boys are weeping!  Ha!

“You just had a private moment in a public place,” my teacher conquers with a big ol’ smile.  She gets the biggest Ha for pushing all of our buttons after all!

And, I wonder…Who were the visitors of everyone else?